What is BDSM all about? 

If you’re new to what we kinksters call the lifestyle (bdsm) you’re probably wondering what it’s all about.

Well, let’s start off by clearing up some misconceptions people have about bdsm.

BDSM IS NOT ABUSE! One simple word (a safeword) stops any bdsm activities. No words can stop abuse.

BDSM PARTICIPANTS ARE NOT DERANGED, SICK IN THE HEAD, OR LOOKING FOR VICTIMS TO ABUSE. We merely have very particular tastes.

SUBMISSIVES ARE NOT WEAK. WE ARE NOT DOORMATS. It takes more strength than most know to submit to someone. Being a submissive does not mean anyone is entitled to anything from you. Consent is still a thing, even more so in the bdsm world than the vanilla one most people live in.

DOMINANTS ARE NOT POWER HUNGRY MONSTERS, NOR ARE THEY ENTITLED TO ANYONE’S SUBMISSION. Submission is earned through hard work and dedication. It takes more strength and self control than most people know to be worthy of calling yourself a dominant. You can’t just buy a whip and call yourself a dom. It takes work, dedication, and education.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to what bdsm is all about. 

POWER EXCHANGE. The core of bdsm is power exchange. One participant (bdsm isn’t just between lovers. It doesn’t even revolve around sex, that would be kink. We’ll get into that later) surrenders all of their control, their power, to the other. The one doing the surrendering is the submissive or bottom. The one who receives that power and control is the dominant or top.

The foundation of power exchange is trust and transparency. The submissive must trust that the dominant has their best interests (and desires) at heart and that they will not harm them. This trust requires total and complete transparency between all participants. If a participant, be they dom or sub, does not maintain full disclosure they risk their health and mental well being. This is the most important element of any type of bdsm relationship, romantic or otherwise. Without trust and transparency, someone WILL get hurt.

TRUST.  I’ve mentioned this already but let’s go deeper. Trust me, it’s important, probably the most important.

If you’re in a romantic bdsm relationship you have to trust that your partner will not let you come to harm. This goes for doms as well as subs. Doms are not all powerful, invulnerable creatures.

A submissive has to trust that their dominant knows them well enough to have their best interests at heart.

A dominant has to trust that a submissive serves willingly, finds enjoyment in their servitude, and doesn’t compromise themselves.

TRANSPARENCY. I’ve mentioned this before but it’s just as important as trust.

Without transparency, there cannot be trust. Secrets, no matter how dark and squalid, will ruin any relationship but are especially detrimental to a bdsm relationship.

Submissives have to be completely transparent with their dominant in order for the dynamic to work. A dom cannot adequately perform their duties to a submissive if they don’t know how they think, their past experiences, and their current situation. Basically, a submissive has to open their heart and soul, every dark corner of it, to their dominant. And vice versa.

A dominant must open themselves to their submissive just as much (if not more) as the submissive must open themselves to their dominant. In order to adequately perform their duties, a submissive must know how their dominated thinks, their past experiences, and their current situation.

COMMUNICATION. Last, but certainly not least, is communication. You can’t have trust or transparency without communication.

This means all participants must constantly strive to improve their communication skills. Being able to express concerns and emotions appropriately and effectively is paramount. As I said, their can be no secrets. This means you must trust your partner(s) to openly receive communication without judgement, ridicule, or disenfranchisement.

GROWTH. Everything I’ve mentioned up to this point has an end goal. Growth. Even if you do not participate in romantic bdsm relationships, one of your goals should be to grow within yourself.

In a bdsm relationship, you’re pushing each other to grow, even if you don’t realize it.

A dominant should always push their submissive to grow within themselves as well as the relationship.

A submissive should always push their dominant to grow as well.

If there’s no growth, something is amiss. That doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong, just that it might be time to reevaluate or reestablish what you need from each other.
Keep all of this in mind when you begin your journey. These are the cornerstones, the foundations, the keys, to a healthy, fulfilling path down the road of bdsm. Think very carefully about all of this. Examine your inner self. Are you willing to open the darkest parts of your soul to your partner so they may shine a light on them? Are you willing to push yourself and your partner towards self fulfillment?

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7 Comments

  1. No…I don’t think so, but perhaps ..as a way for people to see it, tag more things like “sex” or “kinks” or stuff that people will look up. That way it won’t be just people who look up BDSM. I’m assuming that if they are looking it up…they probably know a little bit about it.

    Liked by 1 person

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