Debunking the Myths. 

There are a lot of myths surrounding the bdsm community about practices, gatherings, wealth, and what kind of people participate. Let’s just go ahead and straighten out these misconceptions. 

The suit and tie dom. This is one of the most prevalent misconceptions of bdsm participants and it revolves around wealth and status. The myth here is that most, if not all, dominants are wealthy, suit wearing CEOs, lawyers, and other high end white collar professionals and that these characteristics are essential to being a good dom. 

This is not at all the case. While I’m sure there are some wealthy CEOs and such that participate in the lifestyle, I’ve never met one and I don’t know anyone who has. Doms are regular people with regular jobs just like me and you. They’re carpenters, plumbers, and fast food cashiers. Wealth is not a requirement for a quality dominant, in fact, it’s a rarity. 

The tools make the Dom. An expensive, hand tooled flogger is useless in the hands of someone who doesn’t know how to use it. While quality tools and toys are important (safety is the largest factor here), they don’t have to be erroneously expensive and the price tag does not include the skill required to weird them. 

A $60 flogger is worth more in the hands of a dom who knows how to use it than a $600 flogger in the hand of someone who doesn’t know how to use it. 

Submissives are perfect, petite, quiet little doormats. The common myth about submissives is that we are petite, horn, quiet, docile little pets that will let people walk all over them in the name of subservience and that we are all women

This couldn’t be further from the truth. Subs come in all different shapes, sizes, genders, temperaments, and races. There is no cookie cutter mold we fit into. And we are most definitely not doormats here for people to walk all over, the term is “submissive”, not weak. Sure some of us are quiet but that’s a common trait among introverts. A lot of us enjoy pet play as well but we are not dogs or cats here to serve you, we are cherished treasures who submit to worthy partners. We are all beautiful in our diversity and deserve to be treated as such. 
The all knowing, invulnerable Dom. Doesn’t exist. Plain and simple. 

Dominants are people and as such are subject to the same traits, strengths, and weaknesses that befall the human condition. They cannot read minds and they have vulnerabilities and insecurities just like everyone else. If you need or want something they are not providing, you have to tell them and you should not be afraid to do so. They are there to serve you just as much as you are there to serve them, just in different ways. 

Seedy sex dungeons. Outsiders often believe gatherings of the bdsm community involve sordid orgies, dingy concrete basements filled with depravity, abuse, and rape. 

This is also demonstrably false. While we do have dungeons, they’re not seedy or dingy. They’re nice, clean, we’ll maintained spaces with equipment and furniture the average kinkster doesn’t have access to at home. Everything is cleaned and sanitized before and after use, there are people charged with the task of ensuring a safe environment and safe practices patrolling around, making sure no one gets hurt. Most of them don’t even allow sexual intercourse. Orgies don’t normally occur unless at someone’s house and safety precautions are still observed. 

I believe I already clarified the rape and busy part but let’s keep beating that dead horse. BDSM IS NOT ABUSE. BDSM IS NOT RAPE. 

Bdsm participants are mentally disturbed. People tend to think we have mental health problems ranging from daddy issues to Stockholm syndrome because of our unconventional tastes. A common assumption is that submissives were abused in their past. People think doms are just bullies and abusers looking for victims. 

These things couldn’t be more wrong. Studies have actually shown that bdsm participants tend to be a little healthier in the head due to the requirements of the lifestyle. Submissives don’t have Stockholm syndrome because there’s no abuse in bdsm. Doms are just people who like to be in control. Subs are just people who don’t want to be in control. They compliment each other as two sides of one coin. 

Submissives are women and Dominants are men. This is also false. Dominants are women and submissives are men too. Your role as a sub or dom has nothing to do with your gender. 

Female Dommes are man haters and male submissives are sissy, feminine boys. The Domme is commonly perceived as a man hating, mysandrist, femnazi while the male submissive is seen as weak and demasculated.  

Ugh. Gender stereotypes are everywhere. Dommes are just women who want to be in control and male subs are just men who don’t want control. Dommes don’t hate men and are still feminine. Male subs don’t hate themselves and are still masculine. 

Men who enjoy prostate stimulation ate gay. This misconception isn’t exclusive to the bdsm community and stems from homophobia. 

The prostate can be likened to the clitoris and stimulating it produces the most powerful, intense orgasm a man can experience. Men should feel no shame in desiring this this experience. 

Rape fantasies are sick. This one is also not exclusive to the bdsm community. People believe that anyone who fantasizes about rape are messed up in the head or have never been rape. This is simply not true. 

Rape fantasies are common and there’s nothing wrong with it. We know the difference between fantasy and reality. We don’t actually want to be raped. We want a partner that we trust to role play this scene with us. The appeal is total loss of control and uncontrollable desire. There’s nothing wrong with you. 
These are just some of the Myths and misconceptions that you’ll come across as you explore the bdsm world. If you have any questions about any other misconceptions (or anything else bdsm related), just ask in the comments or email me at 


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